Okay. So.   oh, wait…fyi, my son reads my blog…so uh, son…if your reading?  Mama’s gonna talk about mom parts so just exit now please.   Otherwise you might have a lifelong visual that you wish you didn’t.
:)
TMI Thursday

This is my first contribution for TMI Thursday over at Live It, Love It.
I’m pretty sure this post fits the meme.  Maybe.

Anyhoooo, I slipped my thumb into the sleeve of my coat to push the elevator button.   Ding!  I walked to the large glass door and slid my hand up my sleeve again to push down the handle.   Ahhhh…Gynecology.   Has a certain ring to it.   Oh, why all the sleeve action?  For those of you who don’t know me………Hi,   I’m Sheila…and I’m a germaphobe.   AND, I might add…after watching the young couple come out of the office after me…the dad who just sneezed in his hand, blew his nose THEN touched the door handle?   YUP, SLEEVES it is.

I sat waiting patiently.  Why do ya always have to pee when you’re waiting?  You could have went 10 minutes earlier but ya still have a full bladder.   Tick, tick, tock of the clock.  Watching 3 people who came in after me….get called go in before me.  No worries.  I am a year late in scheduling this exam…so it serves me right.

An elderly man hobbled up to the OB-GYN receptionist.   She said,  “I’m sorry sir, you are in the wrong department….you want the office across the hall”

“Yes, I’m here to pick up my new hearing aid”, he smiled and said loudly.

“No, you want the office across the hall sir” she said loudly in return.

The man smiles,  “Yes!  My new hearing aid!  Do you need my insurance now?”

This went on for about 2 minutes and he understood.  He left touching that gross sneezed infested door handle.  Poor guy.  Now he won’t be able to hear and he’ll have a cold.  *What? ACHOO*

Anyways…why is it that we (women) get all gussied up when going to the gyno?  We make sure we look gooood.   Why?  The doctor is certainly nowhere near our face.   We bathe and get all ‘manicured’ like we’re impressing someone.   I’m sure if they see one, they see them all.   We shave our legs and put on clean socks.   Wear at least semi-nice clothes that the doctor never sees, considered we’re um, naked by the time they come in.  And we usually carry on pleasant conversations like we’re great friends.   That is if you’d let a friend look that closely into your mind.   By way of your vajay-jay!

Okay, well, everything ‘felt’ and ‘looked’ good so now the wait begins for the actual pap results.  Which, having had one bad one in the past and then having to get the far reaching insides of my nether regions scraped with what felt like a very angry Freddy Kruegers’ nails…definitely isn’t fun.  (the wait OR the scrape)

And that rectal exam.  Oh now we’re talkin fun.  All that nice conversation only to have someone stick their finger up your ass.   Good Lord, Why?  Why I ask?  The good thing is I didn’t spontaneously fart after wards.   When you hit your forties…it’s always a great day if you don’t spontaneously fart.

Oh, we had a fun time…we even talked about GARLIC and how great it is for the immune system.  The assistant made a note to get herself some.  Smart cookie.   Oh, and she commented on how good I smelt.  Smelt? I was wearing my Aventine Hill Pumpkin Patch lotion.   I think she said “beautiful yet subtle”.    THEN…she ordered!   I do suppose that’s the least she could do after putting her finger up my butt.   Well, that or dinner.

Oh my gosh!  I almost forgot!  ANDDDD I gained 4 pounds.  How awesome! *not*.   I made sure I emptied my bladder and had an empty stomach just for the occasion.   Damn it!   I’m thinking, though…that since I washed my hair before my appointment….and I think I read somewhere that hair retains a certain amount of moisture after a wash/dry….that it might be that contributing to my gain.   So, yeah… I’m goin with that.

How much fun did YOU have today?

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