I woke up early this morning, went out into the freezing cold to take my son to the orthodontist….drove around on the icy streets to get gas and then took him to school.  All this with my frickin sinuses dripping down the back of my damn throat from the frickin pressure I’ve had in my head for like a week.  THEN, I came home and asked Shane one simple question.  “Can you pick up the flea meds at the vet for me?”

He made ‘that face’, sighed a deeeeep sigh.  I waited.  And then it came out…..I said….”Forget it, I’ll do it. “

Which brings me to the purpose of this post.  I have a young son, who I wish to educate in the art of ‘women speak’ so that he doesn’t end up in the same situations as many men do.  So here’s a little lesson for married and unmarried men:

If she has asked you to do something several times…well, even if only once….and she’s not getting a ‘satisfactory answer’ (for instance, “Sure, I’ll help you”, “Let me do it honey”, “Oh, I’ll get that”) within a reasonable amount of time  right away……

And she has to resort to using the following phrases….(you’re in big trouble mister.)

“Okaaaay”
Note: Okay is only okay when she’s okay. Don’t be stupid now.  It’s only ‘okay’ if none of the letters in the spoken word of ”okay” trail.  If the vowels trail, you’re screwed.   OOOOOOkay (not good).  Okaaaaay (so not good).  Either of these may mean that the next time you try and speak to her, she may have lost her sight and hearing because she will in no way acknowledge that you are in the room.

“Fine, I’ll do it!”  or  “Forget it, I’ll do it”
This is nothing to be happy about.  You did not ‘win’!
In fact, it’s just the opposite.  Anything you will be needing in, oh, the next 24 hours (or a week depending on the circumstance) is automatically not going to happen.  No way.  No how. 

**Little tip:  Watch her facial expressions!  In my situation this morning, when Shane saw the sideways glance on my face after he ‘made that face and sighed deeply’….what he should have done was say….”Sure, I’ll get the meds!” 

If you hear drawers/cabinets slamming….this does NOT mean that she’s cleaning.  It means you are in trouble.  You either forgot to do something, say something or you did something stupid.  (Probably all 3)

If at the end of an argument or discussion, you hear any of the following words or phrases….please know their very clear meaning: 

“Whatever”
No, this does not indicate that you can, in fact, decide the outcome by yourself.  It does, however, clearly illustrate that you are screwed.

“Nothings wrong”
Every thing’s wrong.  You insensitive jerk. 

If you are thinking about going out with your friends after she’s been home with the kids all day and you hear her say:

“Sure!  Have a great time!”.  This means you better sit your ass down,  enjoy the kids that YOU helped create, do some dishes and feel what SHE feels all day, you inconsiderate ass.  How dare you even think about having fun?  Do you know how long I was in labor?  Jerk.

“I don’t care what you do”.  If you hear this, you have probably been a moron for a very long time.  So listen up!  No, this does NOT mean that she’s cool with you going out and getting shit-faced or having an ounce of fun. 

And if you do something stupid and don’t follow these suggestions…and you do go out and come home shit-faced….do NOT under any circumstance think you are sleeping in the same bed.  That would be very dangerous.  You could possibly lose a vital part of your anatomy that could prove useful in future relationships.

Enjoy the couch ‘as is’!  If you were stupid enough to go out, and the locks have NOT been changed by the time you come home, and you find yourself on the couch….no complaining!  That makes us very very happy.  To know that you are miserable on a cold couch with no blankets gives us a wonderful sense of satisfaction not unlike that of a box of chocolates or an hour of alone time. 

And one final thought.  If you forget an important date…and you hear her utter the words:  “Don’t worry” or “It’s no big deal”…….
Holy shit man, you are in some deeep doo-doo.  Look at your watch because you’ve got a 15 minute window of correction to make up for it.  After that you are looking at roughly 1 year period of snide comments, off color remarks and stories to all her friends about lame you are. 

OH!  And women?  When talking to your man, make sure you state what you want within the first three words of your sentence.  Because after the first three words, men lose their train of thought.
Example:  DON’T say:  Will you take out the garbage?
                 DO say:  Take Garbage Out, will you?

The world would be a lot simpler if everyone understood the rules. 

Oh, and I had Shane read this before posting it.  (Without the first paragraph of WHY I wrote it).  Several times he looked up very perplexed.  As if he wanted to ask something but figured he shouldn’t.   I’m glad he didn’t as I’m raising him to think on his own.  Finally the light bulb went off, and, out loud, he said….”Is this all about me not going to the vet this morning?”

Applause, applause!